De moppenhoek

Hier kan iedereen alles plaatsen over zaken die actueel en interessant zijn, maar niets met scheepvaart te maken hebben.
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gerard tenerife
Berichten: 5364
Lid geworden op: 22 mei 2009 21:01
Locatie: valle san lorenzo,tenerife,spanje

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door gerard tenerife » 02 sep 2018 23:19

een pessimist is een optimist met veel ervaring.

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A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR
Berichten: 819
Lid geworden op: 09 okt 2017 03:24

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR » 03 sep 2018 04:13

Zo komt opa in de videotheek en vraagt aan de man bij de kassa:
'' Graag een porno video.''
Vraagt de man: '' Soft of hard?''
Zegt opa: ''Doe maar een hard, want ik ben nogal doof!''

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gerard tenerife
Berichten: 5364
Lid geworden op: 22 mei 2009 21:01
Locatie: valle san lorenzo,tenerife,spanje

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door gerard tenerife » 03 sep 2018 22:13

Reverse....usually about men / husbands turn..........

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it !

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.!

The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots!

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!

Does anyone know how long you cook these "boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair?

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason !

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.!

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup.!

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.!
een pessimist is een optimist met veel ervaring.

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A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR
Berichten: 819
Lid geworden op: 09 okt 2017 03:24

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR » 04 sep 2018 03:19

Een man zegt tegen zijn vriend dat hij een geit gaat kopen.
Waar moet je dat ding laten vraagt z'n vriend.
Je woont op een flat, zonder tuin.
Wel antwoordt de man: 's zomers zet ik haar buiten op het balkon
en 's winters als het te koud wordt zet ik haar in de slaapkamer.
Maar de stank dan?
Daar moet dat beest dan maar aan wennen!

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dick/brazil
Berichten: 1957
Lid geworden op: 04 mei 2009 00:06
Locatie: São Paulo
Contacteer:

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door dick/brazil » 04 sep 2018 13:35

pirate-jokes.jpg
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How did you get that eye patch?

A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”

“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”

“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”

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gerard tenerife
Berichten: 5364
Lid geworden op: 22 mei 2009 21:01
Locatie: valle san lorenzo,tenerife,spanje

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door gerard tenerife » 04 sep 2018 23:50

Subject: Complaints



Don’t you just love the English Language?

Only in Maesglas -Complaints to Newport Councils from Maesglas housing estate
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. (Yes, that's very serious I think !)
een pessimist is een optimist met veel ervaring.

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jacko
Berichten: 2440
Lid geworden op: 21 jan 2008 17:38
Locatie: Nieuw-Vennep
Contacteer:

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door jacko » 05 sep 2018 13:03

Je zult het maar nodig hebben.😁👍
Bijlagen
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Voor elke oplossing.
Is wel een probleem te bedenken.

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HENK HERMANNS
Berichten: 322
Lid geworden op: 19 feb 2011 14:29
Locatie: KERKRADE

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door HENK HERMANNS » 05 sep 2018 14:05

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gerard tenerife
Berichten: 5364
Lid geworden op: 22 mei 2009 21:01
Locatie: valle san lorenzo,tenerife,spanje

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door gerard tenerife » 06 sep 2018 00:05

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is
Assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
And laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
Copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
This, pointing out that if someone made even a small
Error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
The subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
From the copies for centuries, but you make a
Good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves
Underneath the monastery where the original
Manuscripts are held as archives,
In a locked vault that hasn't
Been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the
R
We missed the
R



We missed the bloody
R
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"


With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,


"The word was ....

CELEBRATE!"
een pessimist is een optimist met veel ervaring.

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A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR
Berichten: 819
Lid geworden op: 09 okt 2017 03:24

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR » 06 sep 2018 02:37

's avonds op de bruiloft na het huwelijk vraagt een kameraad
aan de bruidegom of hij ook naaktfoto's van het bruidje heeft.
''Ben jij besodemieterd'' zegt hij.''Hoe kom je er bij!''
Zegt zijn kameraad: ''Wil je er dan een paar van mij hebben?''

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gerard tenerife
Berichten: 5364
Lid geworden op: 22 mei 2009 21:01
Locatie: valle san lorenzo,tenerife,spanje

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door gerard tenerife » 06 sep 2018 23:52

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading this.
een pessimist is een optimist met veel ervaring.

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A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR
Berichten: 819
Lid geworden op: 09 okt 2017 03:24

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR » 07 sep 2018 02:34

Opa, zijn zoon en kleinzoon zijn 5 dagen naar Parijs geweest.
Op de terugreis in de auto zegt de kleinzoon:
''Wat zijn de vrouwen daar mooi hé.''
Zegt zijn vader:
''En wat hebben ze een techniek.''
Zegt opa tenslotte:
''En wat hebben ze een geduld.''

Jacob Bothof
Berichten: 431
Lid geworden op: 26 mar 2016 16:10

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door Jacob Bothof » 07 sep 2018 15:29

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Zonder woorden :lol:

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gerard tenerife
Berichten: 5364
Lid geworden op: 22 mei 2009 21:01
Locatie: valle san lorenzo,tenerife,spanje

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door gerard tenerife » 08 sep 2018 00:43

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
een pessimist is een optimist met veel ervaring.

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A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR
Berichten: 819
Lid geworden op: 09 okt 2017 03:24

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR » 08 sep 2018 02:48

Twee standbeelden in het park krijgen bezoek van een tovenares.
Ze mogen voor 1 dag een wens doen. Beiden willen ze een
dag een levend wezen zijn.
's middags komt de tovenares weer door het park.
Hoort ze van achter de bosjes de standbeelden met elkaar praten:
''Hou jij die vogel vast, dan zal ik 'm op zijn kop scheiten!''

-0-0-

Een gemaskerde hond komt bij een Chinees afhaal restaurant binnen
en streept nummers 36 tot 49 van het menu door.


-0-0-

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A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR
Berichten: 819
Lid geworden op: 09 okt 2017 03:24

Re: De moppenhoek

Bericht door A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR » 09 sep 2018 03:20

Hier kun je dus ook zitten te pinkeln
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of hier
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